Taking a pause from my usual writing routine felt like hitting the brakes on an already sporadic habit. Life’s been a rollercoaster of changes, achievements to be proud of, and this weird mix of accomplishment and uncertainty. What gets me is this lingering feeling that I’ve never really had a solid sense of security and closure. There’s more to unpack there.
Everyone’s been throwing advice my way—pros, friends, family—all about staying positive, reminding me that life’s a wild ride of ups and downs. Especially now, it feels like there’s a flood of decisions coming my way, and it’s overwhelming. I get the whole positivity thing, but it’s not the usual train of thought in this blog.
Graduating was a real tug-of-war emotionally. The whole journey leading up to it was a mix of wanting it to be over and then feeling a lump in my throat at the graduation ceremony. I started university right in the middle of COVID, it took a bit longer than I would have liked to find my footing and every year was different. It was uncomfortable trying to find your crowd and a routine that worked. I spent a lot of time people pleasing whilst trying to establish myself. I figured out that I am not as academic as I thought and I came to terms with that through frustrating encounters with lecturers and tutors. I realised what the attitude was to young adults and it wasn’t hopeful.
During the speeches before the ceremony, a deen I had never seen before spoke about this being my moment, the only thing that the government or university couldn’t take away from me. He said I should be proud and enjoy every part of this moment because so much had been stolen by the pandemic and strikes. His words still ring in my head and I can still feel the feelings that followed hearing them for the first time. I was upset. I thought about the entire three years and thought that this was the first time I had felt that someone was talking to me and acknowledging how badly they had handled the plethora of situations that made it hard to be my best. I know that’s not an excuse and I’ve thought about this a lot, did i work hard enough? Did I really try my best?. The answer is yes. I went to my lectures, I spoke through my plans and assignments with tutors, asked for help, thought outside the box and everytime it was a dead end road. Graduating and seeing my parents in the cathedral took away a lot of those feelings of sadness, they were happy for me and they understood more than a lot of people that I did the best I could with the circumstances I had.
I find a lot of comfort in thinking about the meal and the day out I had with my parents that day. The kind words and wise advice from both my parents. It was balanced with my dad telling me that the world is unfair and I’ve got to find solace in myself and have faith in my ability and genius. Whilst my mum told me to push higher and not let negative feelings hold me back. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I realised that the doors I have closed shouldn’t make me exasperated because there are still so many things open to me, even if I can’t see it at the time.
Having left Durham, I look back with rose tinted glasses. But when I truly sit down and remember how isolating and hard to navigate it was, the rose tint becomes clear.