Having contrasting character descriptions by those closest to you. I’ve moved a lot, and I think you change every time you are in a different environment. Much like with time, you age and gather different preferences and lessons that inevitably force you to evolve. The interesting/ daunting thing about that is working out how to interact with each group of people that one era of you really got along with.
One of my oldest friends came to London from Trinidad this summer. I always love seeing established people in my life; it feels assured, and I was able to relate to some of the past experiences that made me have specific preferences today. By established people, I mean people who I’ve already made a judgement on. I know their character and don’t have to question their motivations or question my own actions around them.
What shocked me most was the difference they found in me; my friend’s sister described me as very talkative and always happy. I can’t imagine anyone in my life (that I’ve met in the last six years) to say that about me. The way I feel about that is a topic for another day, but it was eye-opening to think that’s the image I portrayed at that point. I wouldn’t say I was ever overly joyed in Trinidad, but I guess, being younger, I was more naive and less aware of things that had the power to ruin my mood. Or was it just around people that made me more energised? When my friend visited me this summer, it was light-hearted and easy every time I saw her.
Worrying or dreading seeing people after a long while is not unusual because you never know if you will still get along or simply have things in common. But every experience I’ve had with an old friend has been great. You sort of slip into old behaviours with old phrases and jokes. It makes you realise how much comfort you find in nostalgia.
I asked a different friend that has known me for just over two years how they would characterise me, adjectives like moody, focused, tired, and low energy were thrown out. It’s like a completely different person, and you don’t realise when you start to say or try less. In movies, it’s somewhat portrayed as a mental switch or something someone actively tries to change. But at least in my experience, it’s a progression. If I line up every persona I’ve had to get to the point I’m at now, I think it would be a sad visual.
I don’t necessarily know how much the difference in characterisation affects me; I would say that I am secure in who I am now, but just because I have come to terms with something doesn’t make it right. Chalk it up to growing up, becoming more realistic, and accepting more responsibilities. The excuses are endless. At the end of the day, I guess my main question would be who I would prefer to be. If my character has started off at point A being joyful, and I am only 20 with a depressive description, how far will it escalate? Or maybe it will fluctuate.
Remedy:
I thought the heading would prompt me to end with a light-hearted thought. I think the more realistic answer I am looking for is just an understanding that life has ups and downs, and just because I have changed doesn’t mean it is bad. There are positive changes to my character as well, but of course, ultimately, it is easier to fixate on the negative at times.
I had to revisit this blog post months later to write that conclusion so as not to be illusioned; the positive attitude did not come easily.